I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
it's like heaven, but drunker
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
