new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
