I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
