the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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