Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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