see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
