Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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