i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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