just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
