history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
