Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You smell like stripper and shame
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
