apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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