I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
