Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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