Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
