I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
