things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my being single is dangerous.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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