he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize