if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
