I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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