Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
