Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
