You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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