The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize