at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize