A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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