last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
What a dumb baby whore.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
