captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This can only be settled by a dance off.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
