K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
