dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
