turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
