there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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