If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize