Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
