$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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