i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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