just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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