I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
