Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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