dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
