We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
