Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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