i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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