OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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