Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
