I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
