When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
