my mouth tastes like poor choices
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
