Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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