the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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