Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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