Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
