I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
