he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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