The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm too high and old for this...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
