Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize