If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
