The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
In other news, I just burned my penis
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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