My first STD was from a foam party
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
