My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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