so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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