Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize