why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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