i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
