i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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