Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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