I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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