sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My vagina is officially offended.
Drake has all the answers
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize