Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
