you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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