drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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